Some people are born cool. Machado dropped down the maternal escape hatch with a fully formed fro and said “Wass’up dudes?!” You and I, as weekend warriors, have to work at it. Summer is here and the beaches of Devon will be full of holiday makers that are even further down the cool ladder than us. We need to differentiate ourselves from these people at all costs.
Here are some handy tips:
· Very important – when you’re strapping your boards onto the roof rack, they are supposed to go wax side down – with the nose rocker pointing at the road. The other way round turns your board into a wing, and wings make things take off! Retrieving your mini-mal from the M5 fast lane is not cool.
· Is it still cool to have a van? Everyone seems to have one these days, and since when are BT Engineers cool? Unless you’re going to be sleeping in it, it will be far cheaper to take the wife’s Skoda and you won’t be taking up two esplanade parking spots. To be honest it doesn’t matter how you get to the beach this summer – it’s cool enough that you didn’t die of boredom in a traffic jam.
· If you make it to the beach and there are actually waves, don’t let the heat affect your fashion sense. Wearing boardshorts over your wetsuit is NOT cool. The only time that it is acceptable is if a crazed villain kidnaps your children and forces you to do it. Even then, you should decide if you really love those kids.
· Similarly, a rash vest is for wearing under your wetsuit to stop getting chaffed – it is not suitable night time attire – especially when shaking your thing at Mariscos.
· Speaking of Mariscos – violence is not cool. You’re not in the big city now. If you take a swing at that scruffy blonde kid that pinched your girlfriend’s bum, just remember that you will see him and his mates tomorrow outside the Red Barn. Even worse, he could be serving your lunch. Salad with a phlegm dressing is not cool.
· You’re on holiday, the waves are marginal, you’re looking for new thrills, but please don’t buy a SUP, just don’t! An inflatable dinosaur is a cooler wave riding craft.
So that’s my advice– though you have probably wasted your time I’m afraid. Who am who am I to say what’s cool – I write a blog and have been to a Neil Diamond concert! Catch you in Mariscos dudes!